My brothers and I continue to work on a collection of essays recalling memories of our family. We are in the editing phase, which is, of course, difficult. What to cut and what to keep? When our memories diverge, whose is right?
What is memory really? At its very core, memory is objectively unreliable. Your most cherished family memory may well be distorted or even fabricated by a mind desperate to recall events in a particular light. From the study of psychology, we know that eyewitness testimony is unreliable and inaccurate. The research clearly demonstrates that eyewitness identification is vulnerable to distortion without the witness even being aware.
There is a fallacy that memory provides an accurate recording of experience, similar to a video camera. This is simply not true. Memory exists to inform our sense of identity and serve as a template for how we conduct ourselves concerning the world around us. We are inherently biased to notice and exaggerate some experiences and to minimize or overlook others. Memory is malleable, and its accuracy is an illusion. There I’ve said it.
Why then do we place such faith in our memories? Several reasons are likely. For example, detectives and witnesses possess highly detailed and accurate memories that help solve crimes in popular media and literary depictions. In addition, humans see accidents or crimes as unusual or dramatic and stressful events. Consequently, people tend to believe that such extraordinary circumstances, by definition, should be more memorable. But, in truth, stress and fear actually inhibit memory.
We continue to create memories long after the inciting event based on new information we learn afterward. However, we incorporate that new information into our memories as if we witnessed it that way. Memory distortion often happens unconsciously. Witnesses genuinely believe their version of events, no matter how inaccurate they may be.
Finally, confirmation bias is likely at play. We tend to notice when we accurately remembered some person or detail in the past but tend to forget or underplay instances when our memory fails us. How then does this understanding of memory apply to the recollections of family and our youth? Parents are often surprised by what their kids remember from childhood.
Children perceive the passage of time differently than adults. Adults can track time on a phone or calendar. Still, a few days can feel like weeks to a child, causing them to remember events lasting longer than they actually did, especially if it is traumatic. Children and parents may turn imagined events into memories. We tend to misremember details or interpret shared events differently. Adult children often recall incidents parents have forgotten or blocked out.
A child’s memories sometimes reflect harmful or painful distortions. In producing the Saydjari family history, we often encountered instances of divergence in our memories of specific events or what a parent told us. When factual confirmation was possible, we relied on books, newspapers, and family photos to accurately tell a story.
In other cases, the divergence of memory between the brothers was embraced and became the source of bemusement. Several examples are our essays titled The BB Gun Incident, Mount Marcy, Alhambra, Farewell Father, and The Move to New York. The same story is seen differently by three different authors, with interesting and sometimes humorous results.
We hope to publish the collection soon either as a limited series within the family for our children or perhaps with some work a commercial publication for a broader audience.